Monday, February 12, 2007 12:41 PM
i wasn't being too dramatic on fri. it's for real. i can hardly control my emotions on that day. things didn't turn out like the way i wanted it to be. when i saw the results, tears rolled down my cheeks immediately. my form teacher had to console me for like.. a few mins. cos i just sat there staring blankly at the slip. when i came out of the hall, i really cried like nobody business. outsiders may find this a no-big-deal thing, and i don't need to weep so much. but deep down, they didn't realise the real reason. yes, as what my bro had mentioned in his blog.. i was facing pressure. pressure from my parents ( particularly my mum ) , relatives ( fucking can't stand it ) , uncle etc. i shan't talk much abt that. anyway, as i said.. mainly because my bro & sis attended jc and poly respectively.. and i ( being the youngest ) naturally was expected to do as well as them. i had admitted before, i ain't the type of person who will study. i think it was until recently that i realised.. i forced myself to study, so that i could enter a poly and with the diploma upon graduation.. i can find a stable job & support my parents.i'm not trying to put the blame on anyone. i knew i didn't put in alot of effort during the revision before my exams. but still, i was expecting to get at least a C6 for my maths & sci. even as i entered sec1, i had already been told to study hard.. and be as good as my elder siblings. i need not score high for all subjects, but so long i passed every of it.. it's sufficient. nevertheless, i was still under alot of stress. i tried to study as much as i can & score well for my major exams. ppl kept reminding how lazy i was.. not willing to revise more.. and always playing instead of concentrating on studies / doing homework.sometimes i wonder, why can't i just get away from this study thing? frankly speaking, i really can't stand it. pressure & stress were the things that can make me go bonkers. i cried many times. i kept thinking, am i suffering from depression? cos occasionally, i found myself having a severe breakdown. am i a failure? over the years that i had studied, i didn't achieved great results. still, as i get promoted ( with the borderline marks ) .. i felt a sense of accomplishment. many times, my friends had given me endless of encouragement.. telling me that it's not the end of the world.. it's useless crying over spilled milk.. there's still a long way to go etc. thanks guys. i really appreciate those words. somehow, it had enlightened me.right now, i'm still trying to face the reality. i can't avoid 'em. whisperings would still be there.. why i didn't study hard.. a waste of money now that u've failed etc. on fri.. after a round of crying in sch, i was actually feeling much better. however, at home.. due to some fucking conversation between my mum & auntie.. i cried again. now i'm really pissed. i know my godparents paid for the sch fees.. and im obliged to study real hard, so as not to disappoint them. but fuck, do u have to say out those threatening words? i'm telling u, pls do not wait until i die den u realise that so long i put in my effort, it's okay. by then, it would really be too late. the loss of me may be enuff for u to know that.. i did try my best. and u think i want to fail my exams? you.. plus the relatives.. only cared about whether i pass or not. over the years, whenever i failed any of the major exams.. u guys only know how to scold & lecture me. seriously, i did not hear even a word of encouragement.. telling me "never mind, it's alright. try harder next time". that's part of the reason i felt kinda discouraged. i wish i wasn't born into this family. why does this have to happen to me? do u think u're the only person who will feel angry abt it? what abt me? i was the one taking the exams.. and seeing the results, do u think i won't be upset or anything? do u know how it feels to see ur hopes being dashed? now, it's back to square one. and yes, i do wish that, u could console me if i fared badly in my exams. but did u? no. not at all. even if i did study & put in the effort.. are u gg to notice it? no again. because.. sometimes u would just say "only when i'm here, then u will study. who knows when i'm not around.. u would still study?" those words are hurting. cos it made me realised that, no matter how much i have studied.. u would still care only abt i can pass or not. and if i fail, u would tell the other relatives.. and again, they will add salt & vinegar.. making a big fuss abt it. i know you wanted me to get a job that paid well.. so that i need not suffer. but sometimes, the way u're telling me is wrong. i can see it. pls do not push me over the edge. cos that's when.. if i can't take it anymore.. i would really say goodbye to this world. and u do not cry over my death. all this had never been changed. do u even realise how much this is adding.. onto my burden? now that i'm the only one still pursuing my studies.. i had to face pressure from u all.. the fear of scoring badly.. cramming time to study.. and tolerating the things that all of u are saying. really.. maybe it's just a few more steps.. before i'm gg to decide.. to end all of this. i'm tired.. i don't know how long i can withstand it. sucidal thoughts? yes, i have. i'm not afraid to admit. but it's just some of my loved ones that i can't bear to leave. dad, friends, my siblings & not wanting to disappoint my late grandparents. now that things had turned out in this way, it was them who had given me the strength to carry on..right now, i'm still deciding.. to retake those 2 subjects or not. if i passed well, i can go to a poly next yr. but this means.. having to study again.thanks guys..if it wasn't for u all,i probably would not be here.now,i would try my best again.this time,i would give it my best shot.and hopefully,it would turn out well.=)love you, people.i wanna thank the following people who offered me advice.. and really consoling me continuously. if u aren't listed inside, im real sorry.. my memory ain't that good =xbro, sis, miss khalidal, lihui, miss sazryna, hong xia, ng weiting, tan weiting, prem, larry
